Thursday By Numbers


Number of smear tests had today – 1

Number of times thought occurred during smear test at how unfair that men do not have to have their undersmiles scraped with a shoehorn while being asked banal diversionary questions about work and home life – 46

Amount of money spent in Asda when only actually went in for bread milk and catfood – £92

Number of bottles of wine included in that total – 3

Number of times items labelled ‘confectionery’ or ‘bakery’ came up on the receipt – 14

Number of times items labelled ‘fresh fruit’ & ‘veg’ came up – 5

Number of tins of peaches purchased in case of imminent end of time apocalypse – 2

Number of days family likely to survive imminent end of time apocalypse on just 2 tins of peaches – 7 (at a push)

Number of days I have worked out that we are actually in work during the month of April due to weird Easter Holidays and various Bank Holidays – 6

Number of times today I have had distracting thoughts about camping – 12

Number of offspring taken home from school sick & left with Bman (also sick) – 1

Number of sick offspring showing miraculous recovery & bouncing around on furniture when I returned from work – 1

Number of times Bman has asked if I though he might have swine flu – 8

Time I intend to go to bed today – 9pm


Rave on?


Name that Tune:    “She stands out from the rest that girl has qualities I’ve never seen” – Sound of Eden, Shades of Rythym *

 Movie Quote of the Day:   “I’m gonna talk cod shit to strangers all night, I’m gonna lose the plot on the dancefloor. The free radicals inside me are freakin..” – Human Traffic 

 * was once serenaded with this in a club, which was sweet!


 Party invites don’t often come around for me these days which don’t involve sitting around drinking cappuccinos in a warehouse while my kids go ape in a soft play zone, so I was interested in this one and did give it some consideration for about 3 minutes.  Fantazia Reunion

 However…  Call me a miserable killjoy boring old fart but TBH I think this ship has sailed:

 Clearly 990 (at the last check) ex-ravers disagree with me and will be dusting off their dungies, clambering into their catsuits and heading to their nearest fishing tackle shop for florescent lures to wedge behind their gums, lathering a bit of Vicks on their tits and preparing to gurn the night away.

Nice One! Top One! Sorted!



 And I’m sure they will all have a marvellous time.  As I am sure I would too. But I’m not sure that I would be able to shake the uneasy sensation that maybe.. perhaps.. this sleeping dog should be left to lie. 

 (Plus, I doubt my back could take it!)

         Personally I’d like to keep the memories I have from those halcyon days of podium dancing for 5 hours straight; throwing shapes and feeling like the Queen of F*c*ing Everything; of keeping the same piece of gum on the go for 48 hours!! (to this day I can only bear to chew gum for as longs as it takes to refresh my mouth). 

        I like my memories of the smell of sweat mixed with Olbas Oil, cigarette smoke; other types of smoke; the apple tang of our friend Billy and the joy of getting changed a car while being threatened at gunpoint for the car stereo.. just the way they are thank you very much.  I don’t want them besmirched by a more recent and vivid photograph of elderly DJ’s, Everson Allan not looking as great as I remember and a load of late 30s/40+ vaguely familiar bods who are now 2 stone heavier, balding or early menopausal all comparing wallet shots of our kids and moaning about their jobs.

 There’s a word in the book ‘The Meaning of Liff’ (which of course I can’t find on my shelf to share with you) but basically the definition was:

 “A feeling of nostalgia which is more pleasant than the thing for which you are nostalgic for”


Either that or I’m just pissed at myself for not being able to still fit into the lyrca suit ((like getting toothpaste back into the tube) ;-p

  To sate the appetite I’ll just spin round on my office chair at the PC to these old skool tune legends and recall that blissed out sensation of having bagged the top podium; of gyrating away in my bodysuit and hotpants and of feeling like I had 500 new best friends!

 DJ Seduction:

DJ Rap:

Name that Tune:    “and my heart won’t beat again, beat again, it’s killing me…” – Beat Again, JLS

 Movie Quote of the Day:   “Gay gay gay gay gay gay gay!” – Hot Chick

 Successful trip to the Panto accomplished and childerbeast didn’t complain (much) at all about being trailed around Leeds on a mission for school pumps.  Clarks shoe store seriously?  £9 for P.E. pumps?  They’re £1.50 in Asda FFS!

 Managed to get R a purple coat, as requested, which actually cost more than my new coat – typical that all the coats in the sales were not purple. 

    Childerbeast spent their vouchers received for Christmas and are now happily ensconced in their bedroom playing with some kind of Mission Impossible scenario Playmobil set and A is resplendent in her JLS PJ’s with the heads of Melman, Alex, Marty & Gloria on the front (or whatever their names are…)

 Visiting Scarborough for the day tomorrow and have managed to finally track down a Harry Potter Monster Book of Monsters box from the Argos there for A’s birthday in February.  You totally can’t get these things anywhere (unless you count on who are charging a ludicrous £95!)  It’s a flipping furry box with eyes for crying out loud!  Jeez!


it's a box FFS!


Snow again…. bored of it now.

Can I just make a recommendation that anyone with weak pelvic floor muscles or general propensity to pissing themsleves by accident steer clear of doing the OutKast ‘Hey Ya’ or Boney M ‘Rasputin’ numbers on the Wii Just Dance 2!

 I’m not saying it happened to me.

But it was close…)

 Tena times!

  Panto in Leeds tomorrow (Oh no it isn’t!  Oh yes it is!)

 Then hospital visiting the M-i-L on Sunday.


Name that Tune: “I’m not saying that you’re not on my mind” – Pumpkin Soup, Kate Nash

Movie Quote of the Day: “Observe my foresight. I never venture forth without my mackintosh squares” – A Room with a View

I thought I’d take myself to bed early tonight to watch TV; for 2 reasons:

(a) I was tired after 2 nights staying up late and getting my head all mashed up watching ‘Lost’ season 6.

(b) My bed is further away from the biscuit tin than the downstairs TV and would reduce the temptation to eat my own bodyweight in Cadbury chocolate fingers and animal biscuits left over from Christmas.

Sadly, there was chuff all on the box so I ended up sat at the PC wondering what crap to look at on the Information Superhighway, as I cursed the television schedule people for lacking imagination.

Then it came to me in a blinding flash of inspiration! Via the power of Youtube I could create my own viewing schedule to end all viewing schedules and personally tailor it to my own eclectic tastes.

As a gift to you I’d like to share my ultimate televisual night in.

Lancelot Link Secret Chimp – primate Columbo – Brilliant!

Ox Tales – there’s a gorilla in it called Gaylord – what’s not to like?

Kath & Kim- the Kylie episode

Of course my favourite film ever would have to be on the listing: A Room with a View  with the fabulous cast of Helena Bonham Carter, Judi Dench, Maggie Smith, Simon Callow and Denholm Elliott and the song that never fails to make the hairs on my arms stand on end – ‘Chi Il Bel Sogno Di Doretta’ – pretty beautiful lyrics in English but in Italian? Let’s face it everything sounds wonderful.

 “la vostra madre ha un occhio di vetro con un pesce in esso e un piedino di legno con un basamento di scossa” * (translation at foot of page)

Feign to deny it ladies, we’d all like to be taken unawares in a field of cornflowers in the Tuscan countryside rather than backscuttled for 5 minutes during Match of the Day!

And natch… A bit of the old Gene Genie and Bols sexual tension:

The cringeworthy documentary about Bucks Fizz from a few years ago would have to be included – This is the only clip I can find on YouTube   It was called ‘Trouble at the Top’ and when Bobby and David started arguing about who owned the right to the name and more importantly – the sweaters that they wore on Eurovision – you had to wonder if it was an elaborate April Fools joke.

The entire series of FunLand, which, if you missed it and enjoyed The League of Gentlemen and Green Wing then you’ll like this:

Finally, after a few wines, that documentary about men who own Real Dolls. (YouTube won’t let me add a clip unless I tell them I am over 18 so I shall leave it to you to find it if you wish.)

The dude who had them all sat round the table wearing party hats with party blowouts in their mouths was just fantastic! Now if only Bman took as much care of me as these guys did their dolls. 16 years we’ve been together and not once has he caringly strapped me to a typing chair and sent me cross-country in a wooden box to have my vagina re-upholstered, weeping as he waved me off in a FedEx van!

Photographs from google images

* “Your mother’s got a glass eye with a fish in it and a wooden leg with a kick stand” . . .

Name that Tune:    “It starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes,” – End of the World, R.E.M.

 Movie Quote of the Day:   “Where the fuck is my fucking coat?” – Love Actually

Have you been watching Stargazing Live with that dude from D’Ream?

They talked about these tonight… Coronal Mass Ejection  …and  the possibility that a large enough ‘CME’ could destroy the entire World’s electrical infrastructure and (possibly, maybe), render all comminications, utilities and generally everything as we know it in the modern world… fucked!

 Tinned peaches, candles, extra blankets and bottled water my friends, I’m telling you!

 On a less doom-laden and Nostradamic note, I ordered a new jacket from the ‘New Look’ sale ages ago I am still waiting.  Damn these Bank Holidays! Where’s my coat?  I may need it for when I build myself an Anderson in the back yard – keep myself both warm and smart for the final apocalypse.




Yesterday it said 1,000 birds – today it says 2,000.

I’m not scaremongering but if I were a mere simple country bumpkin in ancient times I’d be barracading me and mine into the old cave by now and stockpiling Pteradon soup.

Portent 1 

Portent 2 

Portent 3

I’m off to beat the rush to Morridogs to stock up in tinned peaches and bottled water…