Post-retail therapy Therapy


Name that Tune:   “Never saw a face like yours before, it’s like a bulldog in an ugly show” – You Aint Fresh, Boogie Boys 

 Movie Quote of the Day:     “Do you prefer ‘fashion victim’ or ‘ensembly challenged’?” – Clueless 

 From the mouths of babes… 

Favourite of the week being from R yesterday to her sister A: “Hey look come quick ‘Embarrassing Bodies’ is on…. Oh no hang on, it isn’t, it’s just ‘Hollyoaks’”. 

I was laughing to hard to actually work out what it was she had seen that had made her think it was ‘Embarrassing Bodies’. 




No cause for shame here

My word of the week is “Clafoutis”, which sounds a little like something that should have an entire episode of ‘Embarrassing Bodies’ to itself but is in fact some kind of pudding apparently.  Suffice to say that random references to infected, itching or jumbo clafoutis (clafoutii?) have been going on all week in the staff room.  Long Story. 

 Speaking of Embarrassing Bodies and jumbo sized body parts, I went into Sadford today on a mission to buy a new top to wear on Friday when I am out in Chester Y’s.  It was dreadful.  Please don’t make me go there again.  Ever…   

 There should be some kind of byelaw against persons of a certain BMI not being allowed to purchase or wear white shellsuits.  Who even wears shellsuits these days?  A bit 1990 for my tastes and mercifully, along with those dodgy duo coloured patchwork Joe Bloggs jeans – a fashion faux pas that I actually managed to miss. 

 The stores were full of awful clothes with (and I shit you not) pictures of animals on the front!    I even took a picture of one shirt that had a picture of a panda on it.  My phone was so horrified by it that it refused to store it to memory & has deleted it by itself. (Yes I did press the capture button properly people, even I know how to use a camera on a mobile phone.)   

I saw asymmetrical tops with bulls heads picked out in sequins, I saw knee length jumper dresses with giant Owls on the front.  Everything was either black, grey or mushroom coloured apart from one store was selling bright red dungarees in sizes up to a 22.     Mario Time!    (except I just google imaged a picture of Mario and realized he actually wears blue dungarees not red – I did not know that, but now I do.) 

 Anyway, I finally found something that would suffice which didn’t have an appliquéd animal head on the front or make me look like a cartoon character but to be honest the entire experience left me somewhat traumatized. 

 I don’t know why I get so wound up about what to wear on the rare occasions I do go out on the lash because I always, without fail, see scores of girls out in all manner of bizarre and unflattering ensembles from the famous Fashion House of WTFWYT (what the fuck were you thinking?) and then I don’t feel so self-conscious and lets face it, I’m 40 next year – who the hell is taking any notice if me anyway?  Bring on the oversized shellsuit. 

 I also tried on 3 different kinds of foundation – one on each cheek and some on my chin, each promising various miracle effects such as 12 hour matt coverage or light sensitive photoshop quality glowing complexion and hey… guess what? They all looked the bloody same!   

No shit!

2 Responses to “Post-retail therapy Therapy”

  1. Jade Says:

    Do you ever find out why the kids thought it was holyoaks?? Hahahaha! Very funny 🙂

    • TheDHW Says:

      Not sure – something about a hospital bed I think, or quite possibly just full frontal nudity – it is Hollyoaks after all.

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