Zombie Ducks & Beatrix Potter


Name that Tune:  “Caught up in a world of uphill climbing” – Mandy, Barry Manilow

 Movie Quote of the Day:     “I am more than prepared to like you” – Miss Potter

 Made it to the Lakes without incident; found the holiday village no problem yet within minutes of arrival the smoke alarms were blaring thanks to the MiL having accidentally put the grill on instead of the oven.  One pizza was a like a burnt sacrifice and the other was raw until it got moved to the top shelf (under the grill!) where within seconds that too looked like a big black mess.  Ditto the garlic bread 5 minutes later. 

     I lost count of how many times the smoke alarms went off so ended up just staying stood on the dining room chair with tea towel in hand ready to swat the alarm into submission.


  “I don’t understand it.  I’ve switched the extractor on” says MiL as Bman (with huge self control) walked passed the over and pulled out the hood of the extractor as it should be and hit the ON switch.

Comedy times.

 After our sparse supper we went to explore the holiday village and were set upon by a flock of killer zombie ducks from Outer Space haranguing us for bread.  They cornered an overly dramatic, squealing R on a bench but we managed to rescue her without anyone losing a finger.

 Once the Childerbeast were filed away in bed MiL sent us out to have a drink in the bar and check out the entertainment as there was a ‘Turn’ on at 10 o clock.  We had a game of table tennis and my first game of Pool in about 13 years, at which I sucked big time.   I used to be quite good in my early teens but have clearly lost the nack! 

  The singer was as you would expect in the Lounge that Time Forgot.  A capacity crowd of ooh I’d say about 9 made up of single elderly ladies who had clearly been at the gin since lunch and a bunch of Terry & Junes in matching Edinburgh Woollen Mill sweaters singing along with various Elvis numbers.  He was one of those singers that likes to try and engage with his audience by coming and sitting with you and enquiring as to how much you were enjoying it so far etc etc.  He was camp as a row of tents with the usual repertoire of Barry Manilow & Englesias numbers although he did pull out the big guns for his finale of Kings of Leon , ‘Sex on Fire’ and Killers, ‘Human.’


 Saturday we dragged the childerbeast to Aira Force where I had a vertiginous attack on the little footbridge that goes over the falls.  (Would love to show a pic but like a doylem I forgot to take my camera!)  Durr! Lake District Dude – Kagoule, Hiking boots, Camera – the 3 essentials! 

           Kagoule.  That’s a great word isn’t it?  It conjures such an image in the mind.  Say it with me… K a g o u l e   Kagoooooooooooooooooooooooooool.   It’s almost poetic.

 Sorry, I went off on a bit of tangent there – blame the brisk air and too much mint cake.

 I last went to the Lake District with a Y6 school residential in the early 80’s when I was about 11.  I wore one cousin’s hiking boots and another cousin’s waterproof trousers (the kind with the satisfying swishing noise when you walk along), I think my parents bought me my own Kagoule though.

     We stayed at a YHA in Borrowdale with bright orange bedsheets and were sent out straight after breakfast with a pack up of a vile soggy pasty & a drink and told not to come back until teatime.  I fell in Lake Derwentwater and discovered just how absorbent my ‘waterproof’ trousers were.  At one point we were allowed to actually swim in the lake and even flung ourselves off a jetty into the icy water – the kind of activity that would be generally frowned upon on a school trip these days.  I expect now the children have to be kept a specific distance from the lakeside at all times or wear full RNLI standard inflato suits at all times “just in case”.  Although to be fair, if kids these days could be trusted to do as they were bloody told the first time then perhaps H&S wouldn’t have to be taken to such extremes.

Anyhooooo, focus on this weekend… we took a boat trip around Windermere and made purchases in Keswick where we saw a crowd of men on a pub crawl dressed as bananas with one (presumably the Stag) dressed as a gorilla.  Odd place to have a stag do – Keswick? But whatever floats your boat I suppose.

 Had a pre-tea swim in the pool back at the Holiday Village where R managed her first width of the pool without armbands (Yay!) and I showed the childerbeast how I can still swim a length underwater (Yay!) although I did accidentally pop up at the other end infront of a complete stranger accidentally jabbing her in the boob -from underwater without specs I thought it was Bman (Oops!)

 Ate out at restaurant to avoid any smoke alarm / burnt offering scenario.

 Sunday morning we went for another swim and then cooked (without any alarms going off) a hot breakfast and watched out of the window as another resident who had collapsed outside was shielded with umbrellas from the rain while paramedics attended him & put him in an ambulance.  Too much excitement at the night befores’ Saturday night Lounge Act or possibly a victim of killer zombie duck attach? Who knows?

 I then had row with Bman about deodorant; He said I was useless so I called him a c*nt and told him I hated him (par for the course on a Sunday in any given married household to be fair). 

Then headed to Bowness in stony silence to take the childerbeast to the ‘World of Beatrix Potter’ which was very twee but pleasant and the kids enjoyed it so that’s the main thing.  R did have a strop in the gift shop because we wouldn’t let her have a cuddly toy and made her get an umbrella instead.  Bman’s peace offering for upsetting me in the morning was a stick of £1.50 Jemima Puddleduck fudge.  He knows me so well – easily bought off with confectionery items – what a cheap tramp!

 Journeyed home in torrential rain to get home to a load of cat shit in the bath and behind the TV.

 Domestos and Fabreeze akimbo!



I still can’t belive that me, the woman who photographs everything! forgot her damn camera on a trip to some of the UK’s finest landscapes.  What a doofus!”





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