Mancunian Nights


 Name that Tune:       “Let the stars shine on until the break of dawn” Longsight M13, Ian Brown 

 Movie Quote of the Day:     “She got mad at me and yelled at me and I pissed in my pants and I never did change my pee-pants all day. I’m still sittin in my dirty pee-pants.” – Talledega Nights  

 Class and staff annual photograph wasn’t completely unfortunate on Friday – at least I don’t think I look quite as drunk as last year… 


Got an early dart at 1430hrs as Pops had volunteered to collect us and play taxi driver to Manchester & then ferry the childerbeast onward to Chester Y Fronts while me and the sibs had a night out in the park drinking cider…. Us 4 plus a couple of thousand other madheads on a mission to see the Monkey Man shake his tambourine. 

 After negotiating a never-ending labyrinth of barriers towards a bank of portaloos that never seemed to get any closer and a Checkpoint (quite literally of) Charlie with decidedly empty looking Drugs Amnesty Boxes; sniffer dogs champing at the bit and a full early 90’s warehouse rave style pat-down we finally made it into Platt Lane Park.   

 The music festival gods were smiling and kept the skies clear and the air warm and for once even though the crowd demanded Reign, Reign, Reign, Reign later on… it didn’t actually rain (although we were denied Reign aswell).  ‘Fools Gold’ and ‘I Wanna Be Adored’ from back in the day made up for it though.  The Whip were pretty good from what we heard (for the young ‘uns) and Bernard Sumner’s band were great (he was in Joy Division & New Order dontchya know, if you are younger than 30) and he rewarded us old folk with ‘Confusion’ and ‘Love Will Tear Us Apart’. 

 The atmosphere was brilliant despite a few numbnuts hurling half empty cups of drink across the crowd (I sniffed myself each time I was splashed to make sure it was booze and not piss).  Why? Why do people do that? (Throw booze I mean, not sniff themselves). What a waste of lager or cider after you’ve had to queue up so long to get a pint – I don’t get it.   

 My sister was slightly less fortunate when a bloke behind her tried to pee discretely into an empty cup and pour it away but missed and she got it all down the back of her leggings.  Nice!  She challenged him about it while I carried on dancing; trying to keep a low profile but fully prepared to leap in like a Jack Russell should things get heated. I think he may have tried to pass it off as a spilled drink but she said it was pretty warm to have been a beer, and we had both seen him angling the cup away from his crotch moments before.  There wasn’t even a queue for the mens’ urinals – it was just laziness on his part.  He looked suitably sheepish and chastised anyway when his sister leapt to his defense and then saw the look of pure guilt on his face and realised that he was guilty as charged. 

 I was on a mission to find an old friend, not seen for around 4 years and knowing her love of Bernard Sumner I attempted a stealth mission through the masses and found her near the front – cue the ubiquitous close up snap:- 

Long time no see TC

 My brother made a break from the front when Ian Brown came on and when my sis and bro-in-law opted out of the throng for a less crowded side view,  I tried to track down my brother at the front.  I didn’t find him but I found a dancing space and had a good half hours worth of Monkey Man dancing &  imaginary tambourine shaking (I found shaking my camera & rattling my Pandora bracelet did the trick nicely).  The man can’t sing, but fuck! neither can I, so fair play to him for making a living out of it.  There’s hope for us all.  The Mancunian hair cut, the swagger, the tracky top & belting out some greats made up for that.   

Monkey Man in action

 I had my bum rubbed repeatedly during ‘My Own Brain’ by a 15 year old Adrian Mole lookalike who, when challenged on his over-familiarity, declared dramatically: “But I just can’t help it!”  In my best teacher’s voice I scolded; “Well do try my love as it’s not very appropriate”. 

 I was then bummed up against the barrier all the way through ‘Fools Gold’ by a bloke more my own age, and therefore much more appropriate, whose girlfriend was dancing too close to him and making him do it (at least that was his story) – both of them apologized after the song but he did say that despite his embarrassment he’d had a good time and invited me home with him and the missus for round 2 but with jeans off this time – Boom boom!  (I made that last bit up but hey! A girl can fantasize can’t she?) 

Whoohoo someone’s feeling me up!

By 2300 it was all over and as I hadn’t needed to lay down on the grass and die because he hadn’t done ‘Reign’ we decided to head down to the Curry Mile and get something to eat and use a loo that we didn’t have to stand in line for 25 minutes for.  Our first choice – a suggestion of mine – was rejected the instant my sister came back from the loo (no loo roll and diarrhoea all up the walls) so we went next door which had a better loo (I tested it before we sat down – loo roll and a shower so you could cool down your ring of fire or hose down the wall – whichever was the most necessary).   

 It was an alcohol-free restaurant but by this stage we weren’t that fussed about that.  I pitied though the most unfortunate looking Stag Party I had ever witnessed on the table opposite us.  Pullovers and cardigans and the stag in a kagoule and furry antlers with not even a trace of irony.  Our favourite overheard snatches of conversation of the night being:  


“Raise your glasses… of water… to Billy, who has brought us to the only non alcohol serving bar in the whole of Manchester – nice one mate!”  

 Cue much sober jeering from the table and one crestfallen looking groom-to-be. Then on presentation of the bill, this classic from him:- 

 “Hundred quid!!!?  But we’ve not even had a pudding!!” 


 So £28.50 for an awesome night out, despite the piss on leggings and possibly also in our hair (I’ve had several showers since, just in case) an underage butt-feel and a dry hump from behind with top music thrown in.    

Good Times indeed! 

Eye Eye



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