Name that Tune:       “I didn’t do it for the roses” – For the Glory, Ian Brown

Movie Quote of the Day:     “It’s an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem” – Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

 Note to Self: Do not leave childerbeast unsupervised, channel-hopping on the Freeview box before bedtime. This way I will not be subjected to any further Saturday morning wake up calls along the lines of: –

“Hey Mum (as my boobs were being prodded beneath the covers) we saw this lady on the Embarrassing Bodies Show & she had inside-out nips but yours look okay” followed by: “Hahahaha remember that man we saw too & he was washing out his bumline”.

 ‘Embarrassing Bodies’?   F*ck Me! What the hell are they watching that for?


 This weekends TwatBastard Award for pissing me off the most goes to…… drumroll please…. (and no, for a change, it isn’t the Bman)…

      INTERFLORA – Come on down.  I’d like to present you with this beautiful Azalea in a pot (“Why thank you, I have actually always wanted one of those” – “Really? So has my Mother in Law, which is why I specifically ordered one for her birthday”)

Oh hang on. Her Azalea which arrived today looks uncannily like an Olive Tree.

Yes, you’re correct, it is actually an Olive Tree. We don’t actually “do” the Azalea Bush anymore despite it being available to order on all our Interflora websites so you’ll have to make do with an unflowering, smells completely different, Olive Tree instead because: – (in line with our Terms & Conditions)

“1.4 All products are subject to availability. In the event of any supply difficulties, we reserve the right to substitute with a product of equivalent value and quality without notice.”

 I see. Well. This isn’t just a few yellow spray carnations instead of Chrysanths or a few extra tulips instead of roses in a mixed bunch. If I order fish in a restaurant you can’t just send me out a beef steak instead because you don’t “do” fish anymore but just forgot to take it of the menu.

If I wanted a f*c*ing Olive Tree I would have ordered a f*c*ing Olive Tree!

I haven’t used Interflora in a while. My faith was tested one Mother’s Day when my mum’s Tulips were delivered 24 hours by the person whose doorstep they were left on at a house half a mile down the road, while they were away. Consequently Mum received, belatedly a bouquet of dead flowers for Mother’s Day. Now I know I like a bit of Tim Burton as much as the next man but even I wouldn’t extend my gothic tendencies onto my own Mother for Mothering Sunday.

I thought I’d give them another go because they don’t always get it wrong and sometimes they can screw up in a good way. Like the time Ma B received about 3 bouquets of flowers from us by mistake when she was in hospital for an operation – It made us look like we’d spent a fortune and cared threefold that she Get Well Soon but even so, it was a screw up.

A complimentary bouquet of ‘Apology’ flowers are to be delivered on Tuesday after I pissed all over some poor call centre sucker’s Saturday afternoon when he took my call.  It will be interesting to see how many of them are not gasping for water or dry as a witches tit when and if they arrive.

I won’t be using them ever again.


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