It’s Chriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiistmas!

12/26/2009

Name that Tune: “There’ll be much mistltoeing and hearts will be glowing when loved ones are near” – It’s the most wonderful time of the year, Andy Williams

Movie Quote of the Day:
“We’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye.” – National Lampoon Christmas Vacation

Let us recap the Brewer family Christmas Day in the style of Sue Townsend’s Adrian Mole Diaries (just for the fun of it).

Christmas Eve.

8pm – hang up stockings downstairs before childerbeast go to bed (A does not want stocking in her room as she, “does not want Santa coming into her room and prodding her to see if she is still awake”)
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9:30pm – Bman arrives home with Bro-in-Law in tow after collecting him from Bradford Interchange after travelling from Liverpool.
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10:30pm – I start to try and locate bags and boxes of gifts stashed away in various cupboards, under beds, and hidden nooks & crannies.
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11:00pm – tell Boys to keep the noise down as their inane banter and raucous laughter is keeping A awake & I cannot play Santa and ultimately, go to bed, until she is fast asleep.
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11:30pm – A now asleep – start taking gifts downstairs. Realise an entire binbag full is not yet wrapped. Rope everyone in to get wrapping quick sharp.
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12:30am – Gifts piled high in various corners of lounge and under the tree. Get self to bed in case this is the year that the childerbeast decide to get up at unreasonable hour.
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Christmas Day
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04:20am – wake up and lie awake for an hour listening for childerbeast.
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0600am – Bman wakes up to go for a wee – lays awake until 0710 when I get up for a wee.
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0712 – Childerbeast wake up! Go downstairs to see “If He’s been”
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0730 – Childerbeast show me presents opened that they do not understand. Realise they are opening my gifts & redirect them to correct pile of presents.
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0735 – Bman very pleased with his Keyboard Cat Teeshirt, Beatbox Stylophone and Wii Family Trainer Extreme. Result!
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0736 – fire up first Advocaat of the day.
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0740 – R almost finished opening her presents and starting to panic that she has not found her longed for and high priority requested Barbie Pet Doctor Dog. Realise this item and at least 6 others are not downstairs and therefore likely to be still stashed away somewhere – Rack brains to try and remember where!
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0745 – R starts to cry that Barbie Pet Doctor Dog not in sack, which is now empty, Take sack from her while Bman distracts her. Dash upstairs, stuff missing items into sack from hiding place at back of wardrobe and run back downstairs to announce theatrically “Ta Da! Look, there’s loads of things left in here, it’s not empty at all!”
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0750 – R now appeased and I am thankful that she is still only 6 and am able to get away with such blatant sham “magic” trick
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0800 – A’s new scooter removed from her and put in shed to prevent damage to the laminate flooring/Grandma’s gammy leg.

0815 .– Finish opening all my presents. Am very happy with haul, particularly Gene Hunt Calendar and lovely jewelery. Also pleased that Bman not wasted cash this year on inappropriate/too small/too tacky underwear and just bought me DVD’S & booze instead. Result!

.
0830 – while attmpting to pile kids’ gifts on one side of room instead of scattered around entire downstairs area, notice that other gifts are missing. Go back upstairs and crawl under bed to locate missing items. Sneak these downstairs and pretend have just found them at back of Christmas tree. Also notice how many items still have price stickers on.
Realise am turning into my Mum and contemplate taking up smoking again and learning how to do Suduko just to complete the transformation.
🙂 Love you Mummy.
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0900 – Bman starts traditional bagel/cream cheese and smoked salmon breckie. – Good Times and Bucks Fizz.
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0910 – Next glass of Advies. Yellow times!
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0915 – Erect Vet Surgery PlayTent in Kids’ room then start wrestling with Playmobil Vet Surgery.
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1000 – Bman & I blame each other for insufficient number of available double A batteries required for various ‘Battereis Not Included’ type presents now lying dormant and silent beneath the tree.
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1030 – Finish vet surgery and curse A who is now no longer interested in wanting to play with it.
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1100 – A is sent to bed after throwing a spoilt little bastard wobbly over something and nothing
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1200 – Get shouted at by Bman because his stereo doesn’t work after I unplugged the standard lamp, behind his stereo unit in order that his Mother could have a light next to her bed.
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1205 – go upstairs with another advocaat and a Tia Maria & Coke (nice mix) to sulk and watch ‘Honey I Blew Up the Kid’ in the bedroom, cursing Christmas, Marriage, and the fact that even on Christmas Day there is a drying rack full of grundies and socks next to my bed and that my husband cant’s help but speak to me as if I am a retard.
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1330 – Bman apologises. I forgive him. I have another drink. I forget what it was.
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1350 – wake A up as dinner is almost ready
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1400 – sit down to dinner at Peter Kay style table, with 4 of us on wobbly chairs, one kid on a cracket from the shed and one on a wheeled typists chair.
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1405 – regret putting childerbeast on wheeled chair and make note to self to buy new dining table and chairs in 2010, preferably ones that do not wobble precariously like rope bridge on ‘Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom’.
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1450 – am contentedly full to brim on veg, stuffing, Christmas pud and Pinot Noir. Pleased that my black/silver themed dinner table went down well. Although with wonky table, mismatched cutlery and glasswear, Bman & Bro-in-Law in some kind of fart contest with each other, unruly childerbeast and Ma B’s cripple paraphernalia scattered around the dining area, get the feeling that my lame attempt to make a Christmas like Chatsworth House has once again turned more into that of Chatsworth Estate. All I needed was Frank Gallagher asleep in his own wee in the corner.
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1500 – Crank up the Glade to Turbo & remember to empty Ma B’s commode then sit and watch The Queen. Childerbeast wittered all the way through so I have no idea what she had to say.
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1530 – Bro-in-law roped into washing up. I seem to have once again managed a Christmas Dinner with minimum input on my part other than making the chocolate log and a vat of Mushroom & Stilton pâté.
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1600 – Start to care less and relax more with gutful of overlapping spirits, wines, chocolates, cheeses and Bailey’s laced coffees and begin to savour the best part of Christmas Day – that of after dinner. Chilling out, slouching on couch and watching whatever is on the box until it’s time for Doctor Who and later The Royle Family.
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1900 – Empty Ma B’s Christmas log from the commode and make Bman promise that should the time ever come, he will repay the favour for my own Mother.
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Am pretty sure that around the nation the itinerary was much the same for everyone (except perhaps for the commode emptying).
I watched something yesterday, (I forget what, in the hazy blur of 12 month old advocaat) where somebody said “It’s not Christmas Day until somebody cries”. In which case ours started good and proper at about 0725 when R burst into tears about her sister “helping her” open a large present. 🙂
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Good Times all round.
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Right, I’m off to look at the Boxing Day Sales from the safety of my own office chair. Hurrah for online shopping, no queues and no trudging around town with the masses!
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TTFN Xx
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