Alternative Therapies


Movie Quote of the Day: “They’re throwing themselves into the road gladly, throwing themselves into the road to escape all this hideousness” – Withnail & I

Name that Tune: “Watch your life slide out of view, and dance and drink and screw Because there’s nothing else to do. “ – Common People, Pulp

I have discovered an alternative & cheaper than private counselling way to get therapy for low self esteem & feelings of inferiority, uselessness & general malais of the mind……and it doesn’t even come in tablet form or have to be smoked, injected, or drank.

Bradford Markets!

I took a couple of hours off from the childerbeast on Saturday & left Bman in charge, with instructions to meet me later in Centenary Square to watch the various dance & music events that were going on all day. I was on a mission for a wig to wear with my Witch outfit at the Ilkley Moor Fest Fancy Dress Day. I wanted to put a bit more effort in otherwise it would just be me in a black frock & pointy hat. So I hit the markets in search of a fancy dress stall, and in all honesty had a bit of trouble deciphering which one was actually the fancy dress/joke shop & which were genuine “fashion” stalls.


What’s the story with those MC Hammer style knee length harem pants? Dreadful spangled tee shirts for kids with age-inappropriate slogans emblazoned on the front.
Several times I wanted to physically restrain women from making a purchase as they held aloft some shockingly vile ensemble to their friend, cackling loudly (so as to be heard over the clang of a dozen giant claddagh earings & gold ‘clown’ or “best mum” pendants):-

“Ere, Trace, ‘Ow about this little number for tonight at Linguards?”

I wanted to yell:- “Don’t do it love! Step away from the rail with your hands in the air. Save yourself”. But of course I didn’t because I would likely have had my head stoved in with a fake Burberry handbag.

Foodwise, you can’t fault the market for it’s diversity of weird and wonderful vegetables, fruit, cheeses & West Indian ingredients but clotheswise? It’ll make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up, and not in a good way. And I’m no fashion guru. Jeans, tee shirts with dodgy stains and bleach spots down the front are more my idea of everyday wear but goodness me there are some scary things out there!

I was glad I had not taken the childerbeast with me and poisoned their fertile little minds with such sights, particularly when I saw an elderly & bloody faced man being tended to by paramedics on the street outside the amusement arcade/ropey pub up the top of the town where it would appear he’d had his false teeth punched out! – they were still on the pavement beside him, grinning up at the gawpers & passers by, Police were on the scene and it was just another Saturday in a small UK town. I’ve no doubt that across the land similar fashion atrocities & random acts of violence were being committed.

Did I say that this was meant to make me feel better?

Having written it down it doesn’t seem as amusing anymore and may in fact just make someone already on a low to slip even further into a downhiller.

Hurrah then for some arty type entertainment via the medium of dance and music laid on for free for the delectation of the public of Bradford. The Step Up Bradford committee thingumy had been going on all day Friday aswell. I had meant to go and join in on Saturday morning for the Bradford 2,012 where they wanted to recruit 2,012 people to dance at the same time, all to the same dance, in Centenary Square. My kids were not up for it though at all and I wasn’t that keen to go and do it on my own so we ended up missing out on that. Instead, after we had all met up at 1530hrs we watched Bicycle Ballet, a Cuban salsa band, which got several people outside Lloyd’s Bar off their feet and in the mood for dancing (presumably once their 4th blue WKD had kicked in). Then the act I wanted to see – “Strange Fruit”. People on high bendy poles performing a strangely emotive mid air, swaying wildly, type-ballet. It was cool. I want one of those poles so I can have a go. I could seek sanctuary up there when domestic joy gets too much to cope with and I could sway from side to side and round and round in my swishiest nightie wearing my new wig (which I ended up ordering from ebay in the end). Better than medication & a whole lot less scary than a trip round Bradford Markets on a Saturday afternoon!


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