Best Laid Plans


Name that Tune: “My father’s house shines hard and bright it stands like a beacon calling me in the night” – My Father’s House, Bruce Springsteen

Movie Quote of the Day: “Petrification! I do not intend to devote my prime to petrification” – The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie”

Friday 3rd July
Had the first Assessment of my current course on Monday – “Being Observed Supporting a Literacy Task”. The class teacher & I handpicked a select group from my usual collection of One to One’s who could be trusted to show willing, sit relatively still & get on with the job in hand. Naturally then when the time came for me to lead them into the chosen setting and crack on in front of my Assessor, one of them managed to find some kind of plastic baton almost immediately on entering the room and begin brandishing it around like a sword before sliding down the table on his belly like a performing sealion to the appreciation of his peers who began to armpit fart in unison and laugh like hyenas and announcing that they were bored & wanted to return to class. I felt like that character on The Fast Show;

“I’ll get my coat”….

Heroically I shambled on regardless & managed to maintain order and actually get some results from them, safe in the knowledge that if I didn’t get any units signed off for actually teaching Literacy that I would surely get extra merit for Behaviour Management Technique.

Kids! You gotta love em (but I couldn’t eat a whole one!)

Next steps: ask Head Teacher to get me on a course to learn correct restraint procedures and source some kind of pocket electric cattle prod from eBay…I wouldn’t have it any other way though. I want to be the oldest TA in town, still turning up to school in my 80’s to frighten the kids (or bore them to sleep).

Wednesday & Thursday this week have been supremely hot, hot hot! We wilted in outdoor P.E. on Wednesday and came in early and on Thursday on the class trip to Eureka we all melted slightly in the heat as we ate our packed lunches outside. My favourite (?) part of the visit being when I assisted in weighing my group of children in the Bodyworks section of the Museum and they dared me to stand on the scale then all cooed in awe; “Wow! Look how far the pointer is spinning round!” On the return journey home on the coach I asked if any of them could remember how much I had weighed. None of them could – to which my retort was; “GOOD!”

All change today though when it has poured down from almost the moment Y1 (R’s class) set off for their class outing to Tropical World. Her lathered in sunscreen but without a coat! Now I will doubtless be the talk of the staffroom for not providing my child with adequate outdoor-wear. Heck! At least I knew it was her trip today. Loads of parents the last week or so have looked totally bemused at home time to find that their children were not back yet from a trip that they seemed to have no idea was happening even though they must have actually paid for it pretty recently. Safe knowledge once again that for every dumbass parental goof I make that someone not that far behind me is showing themselves up as an even worse excuse for a Mother.

Next week should be interesting during Healthy Week and the Mini Olympics (I am in Team USA, R is in Team Egypt) to see which parents rock up to support their kids.

I’m on my Pop’s PC just now. Ours at home died on Tuesday and for the present we have a borrowed laptop now that Bman has dropped our sickly hard-drive off at the PC hospital AKA Cousin G’s. The kids & I came to Chester Y’s straight from school for the Waverton Carnival tomorrow. The Childerbeast have only just fallen asleep at 11pm. I have a been to the Pluff with my mum & later my Pops. It has reopened tonight after its “two week refurbishment” (which started way back the week before Easter), Frankly I failed to see what took so long to refurb. Fair dos the bar looks cleaner, they may even have painted, there’s a scarily red carpet in the restaurant area, & I think they switched to 60watt bulbs as it seems rather brighter but to be honest it looks much the same as it did before the R&P Years when they introduced Faberge eggs & chandeliers to the proceedings.
There was a glass collector who may or may not have had Tourettes who kept walking past shouting “Sandwiches!” in a loud voice and making a grab for any glassware that looked slightly empty & a couple of new big-boobed barmaids but it was much the same as it always has been with the added attraction of full fridges and no jars of pickled eggs. I did notice the landlord making a show of asking the younger looking crowd for proof of age but that may not last and may just have been a show for the first opening night.

Tomorrow is the village carnival & my Bro is meant to be joining us, although he is presently out on the town in Chester for his birthday celebration so may not be fit for much if he starts on the Baileys chasers LOL. Terrier racing, Ferret roulette & 3 different type of steel, brass & drumming band may be too much for him to stand with a hangover. I am leaving it till after midnight when he will surely be drunk enough to agree to anything then I shall text him to ask if he can give me & the childerbeast a lift as far as Manc on Sunday.

I shall depart now to hide the evidence of the fact that I have snuck a cheeky drink upstairs (a can of coke from the fridge & a Vicars portion of Courvousier I found hidden behind all the leftover bottles of Christmas Advocaat & 15 yr old sherry in the back of Pops’ grog cupboard). Never before have I carried a drink with such care and attention up the stairs. Coca Cola on my Pop’s cream stair carpet ?! Christ I may as well have scrapped the idea of grabbing a Jeye cloth to mop it up & just hung myself off the balcony in shame & remorse!!

If you are aware of my Pops you know the score and if not and you had ever been to The Moss you would understand… My Pops fastidiousness over cleanliness & tidiness is Legend. Man, I do love him xx

Okay, time for a quick Cif of the keyboard to obliterate all traces before I turn in to bed… Big day tomorrow of village fete type fun and shenanigans.

Ciao for now Xx

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