Fax Facts


Name that Tune: “after four rounds with Jose Cuervo I was showing off moves never seen before” – Ten Rounds with Jose Cuervo, Tracy Byrd

Movie Quote of the Day:
“You are so much less attractive when I’m sober / Lucky that isn’t that often then eh?” – The Money Pit

I’ve kind of given my notice this week so I can start doing full-time at School from June 1st. ‘Kendo Nagasaki’ was a bit vague when I floated the idea of doing some admin work from home or just doing a couple of hours a week after school on Wednesdays & Thursdays and said he would get back to me. Hope he hurries up about it because I’m not in next week – me and the childerbeast are going on a Haven jolly to Marten Mere near Blackpool with GA & her kids. So far the pair of us have packed the essentials of:-wine (red & white), a jar of Pesto & a couple of beach towels – I’m dithering about which of my crap clothes to take (so much choice). The weather forecast is not good and GA is paranoid that we are going to be stuck in a windblown caravan with 5 kids and no DVD player to keep them entertained. I’m sure it will be just fine, but if I haven’t logged in again within the fortnight we can assume that I have been committed to an asylum for sufferers of terminal cabin fever.

Last night I went out in The Mighty Fax for Traci’s 40th birthday. I had feared the worst but to be fair, it was OK. Having a helping hand from Gordon & Jose helped though… we started off at the pub down the road which I have only ever been in once, on a lunchtime. It wasn’t much better of a Saturday evening. When asking for a G&T and then being stared at blankly and asked “is that a gin & tonic?” did not bode well for the rest of the night. I didn’t know any of the other girls on the night out particularly well but we all got on right enough and were a mixed bag of age groups, not least the oldest who was probably about 70! I liked her though, she called me a ‘bonny lass’ and said I reminded her ‘of someone off the telly’. I wisecracked that so long as it wasn’t Jimmy or Benny Hill that I’d take that as a compliment. She couldn’t actually remember who it was I reminded her of but maybe it’s best not to know and then I can imagine whoever I want – Cat Deeley or Holly Willoughby for instance rather than the more likely “someone who used to be on Emmerdale” or worse… Vanessa Feltz!

We went in one pub that looked like something from a Hammer House of Horror movie and had a DJ in a booth swathed with cast-off bras with a voice like that sex-change taxi driver from The League of Gentlemen; “Happy 40th to Traci love here, have a bottle of sparkling perry and here’s a bit of Duffy for you & your mates to dance round your bags to”. Man I can’t bear that Duffy record. Fortunately he redeemed himself with some decent Northern Soul and then we threw a few shapes to Lady Gaga & Kylie before we moved on to the nightclub – ‘Liquid’. One glance round there told me what I had long suspected, that for every review I could ever write about a night out in the Boro I could well be writing it on any town in the UK on any given Saturday night.

Fancy dress brigade – Noddy, Big Ears, Scooby Doo, Bananaman etc (check), gaggle of underage girls in their nighties & too much slap looking completely bewildered as to how they actually managed to fool the doormen into letting them in (check), octogenarian local ‘character’ in a white tuxedo & medallion schmoozing his way round any game young filly (check), poor standard of DJing, i.e. Summer of 69 segues into Ray Parker Jnr’s ‘Ghostbusters’ then abruptly switches to a Wacko Jacko megamix (check), wondering as you shamble about the crowded dancefloor what possesses people to do this every weekend (check). You get the picture. It was alright though and not nearly as grim as I had feared it might be. The birthday girl had a good time and that, after all, is the main thing. I impressed the 15 year old barkeep with my ability to keep coming back for more tequila (without salt or lemon Grrrrrr) & beer chasers without once falling off my giant hot-pink wedges and being able to slam it & hand over the cash at the same time with the same hand without batting an eyelid or spilling (much) down my chin. What can I say…it’s a gift.

To add to my earlier compliment of having a look of someone off the telly I was also schmoozed by a group of pissed-up men during a Dirty Dancing medley (hey I’ll take what I can get these days). I even made some pals in the Ladies room who could not believe I was 37 (although they too were 3 sheets more than fresh so probably couldn’t see straight). Taxi home at 0145, everyone together, no casualties, no tears and I still had the emergency £20 (for extra tequila or taxi on my own) which Bman had slipped into my purse. Made myself a pizza when I got in, had a cup of tea and then fell asleep on the couch til the kids jumped on me at 8am. Felt a bit ropey so when Bman got up I went back to bed for an hour but generally I haven’t suffered too badly at all considering.

Good times.

Not back from Haven until Friday so hopefully I will have amusing tales to share and photies to edit by next weekend. Cross your fingers for good weather.

Ciao for now Xx

Nicki & some bird off the TV (possibly WrestleMania?)


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