Crashes & Slammers


Name that Tune: “I love Tequila it makes me happy” – Tequila, Terrovision
Movie Quote of the Day: “I don’t really know what kind of girl I am.” – Juno
Chester Y’s! Been there done it, spent up, went out, met friends, got drunk, danced around, had a laugh and felt like a dwarf! Favourite amusement was I think the jobsworth security dude at ‘Cruise’, fiercely defending his completely empty VIP area when we attempted to enter his inner (barren, forlorn, bare & lonely) sanctum to use the loo. Well done Pal, have an NVQ in Doormanship Studies!

Fun time journey to the old Homeland after having a minor blue with the Bman at the train station when he dropped us off, over the highly charged subject of…..£3. Despite feeling crap about parting on a bad note I survived the train journey with the childerbeast by reading to them a lot. So much so in fact that I was commended on my parenting by an elderly gentleman on the Manc to Chester train…which was nice. When that happens though I feel a surge of pride then a sharp stab of guilt and remorse that these strangers are so moved that they feel the urge to praise me, yet do not see the skriking harridan in her own home berating the children impatiently at every turn.

Saturday we went to town and did the usual rounds of Woolies, Bear Factory & Disney Store – awesome Jack Skellington Christmas snowglobe is now mine (all mine) and if I am a good girl perhaps Sandy Claws will bring me the tealight holder aswell. New Regatta 3in1 jacket also purchased for self for Xmas gift for Meems to reimburse me for, and half price camping stove also acquired for next year. Retail times indeed, got no money but that did not seem to stop me hammering the cash I do not possess!

Did a bit of stock-car racing on the way home at the Mecca roundabout when Meems (AKA Lewis Hamilton) piled into the back of a Peugeot full of young male Chester College undergrads who in turn had piled into back of some doofus infront of them who had, for reasons unknown, decided half way through the lights at green, to change his mind and stop the car!! Nobody was injured but all the vehicles involved were damaged & R had a bit of a seatbelt friction mark on her neck for a while. It shocked the childerbeast a fair bit but at least it demonstrated the necessity for the seatbelts they keep faffing around with and trying to loosen. Mum was okay and thankfully all parties involved behaved sensibly and sensitively – I had feared for some uncouth roadside gesticulating & profanity but the lads in front straight away blamed the guy infront of them. The Police just happened to be passing so pulled us all over to the side of the road so we weren’t holding up the traffic anymore. Not just any old plod either but some armed response unit who were out and about because of Chester FC playing Millwall that afternoon, so they took over the note & name taking & breathalysed everyone involved, as they do, just to be certain everyone was driving within the law. I laughed in the car at the thought that of all times, this would be the perfect time for any blasts from my past to come driving by and see me sat in a fender-bendered BMW full of kids as my Mother was getting a sobriety test at the roadside from a Dibble packing a 9mm pistol on his thigh! Well, if anyone did see us, can I please clarify that it wasn’t Mum’s fault and she had not had so much as a whiff of grape juice – in fact we hadn’t even been the pub the night before because it was too cold & too late by the time we had got the childerbeast to bed.

Finally got back to The Moss in time for tea & cracks at Mums expense about being arrested, put in an orange boiler suit & being sent to Guantanamo. (Love you Maman xxxxxxxxx). Then it was a quick turnaround for me to get ready to go out & Pops dropped me off at Telfords in the absolute pounding rain at 19:30 to meet Heul & Lyns & some of Heul’s old school pals.

Mondo Congac & Cokes later after discussing various exes & why we went down those roads (excessive alcohol was usually a dominating factor in these unwise choices) Heul & I were the sole survivors, so decided to keep on rolling & got a cab to ‘Cruise’ with a mind to party on into the wee small hours.
In our inebriated wisdom we thought Tequila slammers would be the way forward (no salt though, so shame on your bar managers ‘Cruise’ you so-called Superclub!) Blue WKD chasers were also deemed to be the way of it & before long we were dancing around in the old K & H style known as the “Duck and Weave”. Brilliant!

Felt like Lilliput Land people compared to inordinate amount of very tall Amazonian women who, even though were probably already at least 5ft 7 were wearing some serious killer heels so they towered head & shoulders above us. I had my Dick Whittingtons on which are flat but do come up well over my knees, & for the first time in ages I wore a dress, which Lyns asked if I had worn on purpose so I could just take off my boots when I got home and roll straight into bed coz it looked like a nightie. Can I point out that it wasn’t wincyette or flannel with a frill collar or anything like that – it was just satin. No photos to share I am afraid, bar a rather unfortunate obligatory ‘before’ close up taken in Telfords & an ‘after’ shot taken the next day whilst feeling worse for wear at Heul’s folks’. We were just having far too much fun (and Tequila) to remember to take any pics. Pity really but hey ho…
I miss Heul, we have had some seriously funny times together & I just wish I had the money to go to Sydney and see her.

Bman had forgiven me enough to drive over & collect us from Pops’ so we didn’t have to deal with Sunday service ‘pubic’ transport going via Warrington Liverpool Lime Street and Aberdeen just to get to Manchester Piccadilly and I am extremely grateful to him for that as the weather was dreadful all the way home, pouring rain & poor visibility etc. I was glad to be back when we finally got home. He is decorating this week so once he has done all that I can get on with washing my carpets in time for Christmas. Domestic joys. Xx

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