All Hail the Jinna!

Youth envy? or why no boys are trying to touch my junk (because I am an old frump)

TheDHW — Wed, 26 Jan 2011 20:53:13 +0000

Name that Tune: “She turned around and gave that big booty a smack. she hit the floor [She hit the floor], Next thing you know, Shawty got low lo, lo lo, lo, lo, low,” – Apple Bottom Jeans, TPain

Movie Quote of the Day: “ If our Lord wasn’t testing us, how would you account for the proliferation, these days, of this obscene rock and roll music, with its gospel of easy sexuality and relaxed morality?” – Footloose

So, ‘BFG Weddings’ was on again last night and during the show I was text (texted?) by a friend, asking if I was going to let A have a spray tan for her 6^th birthday.

I wasn’t… but I might now after seeing the programme. I am also hoping that my mum also gets her Mother of the Bride outfit from Wigan Market.

I asked both childerbeast in the morning if they wanted a spray tan and got the response I was hoping for which was:- “What’s a spray tan?”

There were some ‘interesting’ dance moves from the young ones on the show too and I have to say, I have had first hand experience of age-inappropriate dance routines in my line of work, where at times it was hard to decide whether to go for the reaction “Wow?” or “Woah!” Music TV has a lot to answer for. www.metro.co.uk

A nation of paedophiles sitting at home in their mum’s basements were doubtless glued to their portable TV’s last night between 9 and 10 or are iPlayering the programme again as we speak and having a good old chug.

On the subject of Music TV and over-sexualised song lyrics my own 5 year old (ok so she’s almost 6 but come on…) has recently dropped JLS’s ‘Beat Again’ from her karaoke repertoire and switched allegiance to the Kesha track ‘Tik Tok’. This tune is on Just Dance 2 but I cannot be blamed for this, as when we were scrolling through the choice of dance tracks she said “Ooh I love this one” so was already familiar with it from somewhere???

So, we chose that track and started to dance and for those of you unfamiliar with this particular track click here: - Kesha Tik Tok

And the lyrics go a little something like this:-

“Aint got a care in world, but got plenty of beer
Aint got no money in my pocket, but I’m already here
Now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger
I’m talking about – everybody getting crunk, crunk
Boys trying to touch my junk, junk
Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk
Now, now – we goin til they kick us out, out
Or the police shut us down, down”

Don’t get me wrong, it’s an extremely catchy number and I do like it but:

“Boys tryin’ to touch my junk! Are you serious? Not the kind of thing I need to hear my almost 6 year old singing.

I don’t want to go all Mary Whitehouse or the Preacher dude from ‘Footloose’ but has pop music (did I even just say that out loud?) always been so overtly sexual? or is it just dawning on me now because my kid is watching the Mr Men Show and dressing on her toy dog in little outfits one minute, and the next she is swaggering round the house with her MP3 on and squawking lyrics like “Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack” or her other favourite – Katy Perry- “Put your hands on me in my skin tight jeans”.

I must be getting old.

Along a similar vein, today we had to abort a lollipop prize giving in class for our historical quiz winners because, on closer inspection, the lollies purchased for the prizes were emblazoned with slogans. These were along the lines of:- Je’taime, Kiss me, and (I shit you not) Mange Moi!

Prize-giving postponed until more appropriate lollies could be purchased.

Pity we don’t live in Oz and then we could have just handed out some of these bad boys, which incidentally are really tasty. (and I defy you not to at least supress an immature snigger).

I’m Insane… Get Me Out of Here!

TheDHW — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 19:57:51 +0000

Tired of repeating myself to childerbeast (mine and others) who choose to take absofuckinglutley no notice of anything they are told or asked and then start crying or get the hump when they get told off!

Sick of being continually backchatted to, lipped and defied at every turn.

Not emotionally prepared for a 5 year old who has her first sleepover and then callously announces on eventual return home that she did not miss any of us, is not happy to be home and wishes she could live somewhere else forever.

Considering a job at Morridogs stacking shelves or working down the carwash with the Polish. (I know that technically it should be Poles but Polish looks more pleasing to my eye because it could also say polish, like Mr Sheen. I also know that Poles could also mean poles but it’s my blog and I’ll say Polish if I want to because frankly that’s the kind of Monday I have had!)

The next person who quips that my job is easy because of finishing at 3pm is going to get a bunch of fives and a work experience they will never forget. A day working with children who need help academically but choose to prat about and bicker throughout the entire day instead, continually chuntering like some kind of Chinese water torture that perhaps might be utilised by MI5 when interrogating double agents or terrorist suspects. I defy you not to, ever so slightly, go out of your mind with frustration. Oh yeah, and then go home and deal with your own, also chuntering, bickering, unappreciative offspring.

It’s 7:30pm and I am going to bed. Wake me up at Easter.

Standing Stiff with Gordon and the Libster

TheDHW — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 17:33:50 +0000

The hypnotic power of ebay has drawn me in yet again! In the search for children’s party items for A’s forthcoming birthday next month where she is veering from Harry Potter themed, to Chinese New Year to JLS and back again. I stumbled across life size cardboard cutouts, which we all know I am no stranger to (lest we ever forget Troy Bolton, even now, stashed under my bed in case of a HSM emergency, the now sadly defunct Han Solo and Mel C in mid karate kick that started it all back in 1997 as a comedy gift, for no particular reason, for Father’s Day).

I decided to scroll through all 14 pages of cardboard cutouts in the hope that inspiration might leap from the screen at me and the question that presented itself on page 8 was… Why?

Gordon says… relax

And on page 13… Exactly how gay is your party that you need a life sized standee of Liberace?

What a gay day!

I have to admit I am tempted to get the Liberace one because you just never know when a quality item like that might just be the thing!

Big Fat Vulcan Death Grip Fairy Light Cake Times

TheDHW — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 19:58:59 +0000

Second week of training to learn de-escalation and restraint techniques.

TBH am thus far a tad disappointed that I am not a master of the ‘Vulcan Death Grip’ or ‘Wushi Finger Hold’ of Kung Fu Panda fame or at the very least that thing you can do to animals to hypnotise them into submission like Mel Gibson does to the guard dog in ‘Lethal Weapon’ or was it Paul Hogan in ‘Crocodile Dundee’. I forget but you know the thing I mean. It sometimes works on your menfolk if you need to calm them down after they’ve had a few too many.

You have 20 seconds to comply

Perhaps the course that teaches those things was too expensive.

Hands up who is watching the ‘Big Fat Gypsy Wedding’ show at 9pm?

(Anyone without their hand up now is a liar.) and I’m not watching it in a mean way, I find the whole culture fascinating. Although I’m glad I didn’t marry the first proper kissy kissy boyfriend I had let me tell you… ( or the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th or 6th for that matter either) http://www.channel4.com/programmes/big-fat-gypsy-weddings

If only I’d thought to have fairy lights on my wedding cake, which, to be fair, was spectacular enough but if it had been flashing on and off then WOW!

Actually I just youtubed the dog hypnosis thing and it was Crocodile Dundee I meant NOT Lethal Weapon which if you click here – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wpJNCO6Aj2Q you will see why.

I can assure you I have never (yet) tried this approach to try and coax a drunken man into submission (although maybe I should???)

Oy! That’s my line!

TheDHW — Sun, 16 Jan 2011 19:03:45 +0000

Spotted this headline on www.aol.co.uk should I sue for them nicking my tagline?

All hail the ginger! It’s
film’s famous redheads

We pay tribute to our favourite
titian-haired Hollywood stars

Giant Pulsating Vagina (now that made you look!)

TheDHW — Sat, 15 Jan 2011 09:39:40 +0000

Name that Tune: “There’s nothing on the TV, nothing on the radio, that means that much to me” – America, Razorlight

Movie Quote of the Day: “Funny how they always want to be friends after they’ve ripped your guts out” – Starship Troopers

Finally flopped into bed last night with a cuppa at about midnight, and the best of a bad bunch on the box was ‘Starship Troopers’ – possibly one of the dumbest movies of all time.

Naturally I was sucked in, after saying to Bman that banal drivel that it was, it had a hypnotic quality (possibly just the dazzling glare of Denise Richards’ smile).

For the uninitiated, this is a movie about giant bugs annihilating millions on Earth so, the good old U. S of A’s futuristic space army set out to kick some cockroach butt. Denise Richards is a warship captain; her meathead boyfriend gets his brains sucked out by a 40 tonne 10 ft high pulsating vagina and then the World is saved by that kid from Doogie Howser M.D. dressed like a Nazi SS Officer, who has some weird power which enables him to communicate with the bug community.

Awesome! Now why didn’t I think of that?

Your smear test is overdue, please make an appointment with your GP

I will save the entire world with my cockroach ESP

TFIF!

TheDHW — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 22:12:18 +0000

As if we didn’t already have enough reasons to dislike Bono and Facebook.

http://celebrity.uk.msn.com/news/gossip/articles.aspx?cp-documentid=155852844

Smug Bastard! If he doesn’t give it all to charity then he’s more of a c*nt than he looks.

… and as a follow on from yesterday: –

Number of glasses of wine needed before I start to search for, and bid on, total shite on ebay – 2

Thursday By Numbers

TheDHW — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 20:21:41 +0000

Number of smear tests had today – 1

Number of times thought occurred during smear test at how unfair that men do not have to have their undersmiles scraped with a shoehorn while being asked banal diversionary questions about work and home life – 46

Amount of money spent in Asda when only actually went in for bread milk and catfood – £92

Number of bottles of wine included in that total – 3

Number of times items labelled ‘confectionery’ or ‘bakery’ came up on the receipt – 14

Number of times items labelled ‘fresh fruit’ & ‘veg’ came up – 5

Number of tins of peaches purchased in case of imminent end of time apocalypse – 2

Number of days family likely to survive imminent end of time apocalypse on just 2 tins of peaches – 7 (at a push)

Number of days I have worked out that we are actually in work during the month of April due to weird Easter Holidays and various Bank Holidays - 6

Number of times today I have had distracting thoughts about camping – 12

Number of offspring taken home from school sick & left with Bman (also sick) – 1

Number of sick offspring showing miraculous recovery & bouncing around on furniture when I returned from work – 1

Number of times Bman has asked if I though he might have swine flu – 8

Time I intend to go to bed today – 9pm

Rave on?

TheDHW — Tue, 11 Jan 2011 21:18:18 +0000

Name that Tune: “She stands out from the rest that girl has qualities I’ve never seen” – Sound of Eden, Shades of Rythym *

Movie Quote of the Day: “I’m gonna talk cod shit to strangers all night, I’m gonna lose the plot on the dancefloor. The free radicals inside me are freakin..” – Human Traffic

* was once serenaded with this in a club, which was sweet!

Party invites don’t often come around for me these days which don’t involve sitting around drinking cappuccinos in a warehouse while my kids go ape in a soft play zone, so I was interested in this one and did give it some consideration for about 3 minutes. Fantazia Reunion

However… Call me a miserable killjoy boring old fart but TBH I think this ship has sailed:

Clearly 990 (at the last check) ex-ravers disagree with me and will be dusting off their dungies, clambering into their catsuits and heading to their nearest fishing tackle shop for florescent lures to wedge behind their gums, lathering a bit of Vicks on their tits and preparing to gurn the night away.

Nice One! Top One! Sorted!

And I’m sure they will all have a marvellous time. As I am sure I would too. But I’m not sure that I would be able to shake the uneasy sensation that maybe.. perhaps.. this sleeping dog should be left to lie.

(Plus, I doubt my back could take it!)

Personally I’d like to keep the memories I have from those halcyon days of podium dancing for 5 hours straight; throwing shapes and feeling like the Queen of F*c*ing Everything; of keeping the same piece of gum on the go for 48 hours!! (to this day I can only bear to chew gum for as longs as it takes to refresh my mouth).

I like my memories of the smell of sweat mixed with Olbas Oil, cigarette smoke; other types of smoke; the apple tang of our friend Billy and the joy of getting changed a car while being threatened at gunpoint for the car stereo.. just the way they are thank you very much. I don’t want them besmirched by a more recent and vivid photograph of elderly DJ’s, Everson Allan not looking as great as I remember and a load of late 30s/40+ vaguely familiar bods who are now 2 stone heavier, balding or early menopausal all comparing wallet shots of our kids and moaning about their jobs.

There’s a word in the book ‘The Meaning of Liff’ (which of course I can’t find on my shelf to share with you) but basically the definition was:

“A feeling of nostalgia which is more pleasant than the thing for which you are nostalgic for”

Either that or I’m just pissed at myself for not being able to still fit into the lyrca suit ((like getting toothpaste back into the tube) ;-p

To sate the appetite I’ll just spin round on my office chair at the PC to these old skool tune legends and recall that blissed out sensation of having bagged the top podium; of gyrating away in my bodysuit and hotpants and of feeling like I had 500 new best friends!

DJ Seduction: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BPChSQGN8OA

DJ Rap: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQQ7lZBb4Ug

£9-£95 Oh no it’s not (Oh yes it is!)

TheDHW — Tue, 11 Jan 2011 21:13:05 +0000

Name that Tune: “and my heart won’t beat again, beat again, it’s killing me…” – Beat Again, JLS

Movie Quote of the Day: “Gay gay gay gay gay gay gay!” – Hot Chick

Successful trip to the Panto accomplished and childerbeast didn’t complain (much) at all about being trailed around Leeds on a mission for school pumps. Clarks shoe store seriously? £9 for P.E. pumps? They’re £1.50 in Asda FFS!

Managed to get R a purple coat, as requested, which actually cost more than my new coat – typical that all the coats in the sales were not purple.

Childerbeast spent their vouchers received for Christmas and are now happily ensconced in their bedroom playing with some kind of Mission Impossible scenario Playmobil set and A is resplendent in her JLS PJ’s with the heads of Melman, Alex, Marty & Gloria on the front (or whatever their names are…)

Visiting Scarborough for the day tomorrow and have managed to finally track down a Harry Potter Monster Book of Monsters box from the Argos there for A’s birthday in February. You totally can’t get these things anywhere (unless you count on Play.com who are charging a ludicrous £95!) It’s a flipping furry box with eyes for crying out loud! Jeez!

it's a box FFS!